People watching becomes a continual ritual when you have a child with Asperger's. Whenever there is a social gathering I ALWAYS worry that some sort of meltdown or inappropriate response will trigger a reaction from adults. It's not Molly so much that I am worried about but the continual disappointment at the way others handle situations with children who have special needs.
The fact is that most people don't often show common courtesy regarding their body language in relation to situations of annoyance. If any of you have been to a local school board meeting, there is never a shortage of rolling of the eyes or the shaking of heads - all by board members sitting at the BIG table for all to see. This unfortunately is something we run into frequently. I am amazed and saddened by reactions of adults on a regular basis. I have been amazed in a positive way by people who are warm and seem to take it all in stride, thankfully most of my friends are like this and were way before the diagnosis. Pleasant surprises are always welcome, the disappointments are, well.......disappointing.
Unfortunately family is not exempt from showing their displeasure and unfortunately are also vocal. Diagnosis or not shouldn't you attempt to know a child, specifically a niece or nephew, grandchild or cousin? Knowing what motivates them, their interests and other aspects, also not being on the spectrum comes in very handy when monitoring facial features and body language to see how tone of voice affects a child. When you raise your voice and scream at a child and their face contorts with fear, that is not a good thing. My children are terrified by one of their Aunts and her disciplinary choice - screaming to get control. Another similar reaction from a family member at Christmas as the stimulation was high and excitement uncontrollable - a brother in law who would grimace and roll his eyes at Molly's behavior (also someone who suggested repeatedly that we "smack" the behavior out of her when she was younger). Don't get me wrong, not all family encounters are bad or full of drama. Sometimes we have no inappropriate behavior - or we do and a family member will pleasantly surprise us. I have another sister-in-law (a specific case of no diagnosis needed, just get to know the child!) who has always made an effort to get to know Molly and as such knows to lower her voice and talk with her about things she likes. She also knows, whether it is innate or researched, to focus particularly on her high interest areas.
It has become increasingly simple to narrow our group of friends to those who sincerely care and don't judge. We had an incident recently where Molly was interacting with a group of younger kids and didn't stop what was becoming inappropriate (children going into the upstairs rooms at a friends house). Unfortunately with most social situations Aspie kids have to learn after the fact how they should have handled a specific situation. This ultimately leaves inappropriately handled scenarios, sometimes very inappropriately. Social norms are placed on these kiddos and they are expected to act their age. Which, by the way is something you NEVER say to an Aspie! Molly took the fall for that one as she was the oldest and how do you explain? To most it sounds as though you are making excuses, so we offered the learning experience to Molly and had her write a note of apology.
What I would like you to take away from this entry is DON'T JUDGE ME! Don't judge me in the grocery store when my child is having a meltdown. Don't look at me like I am a terrible mom! Do the same for others too - if you see something going on don't give the look of disapproval - you have no idea what is going on with this situation or family. Maybe the child is not really a spoiled brat and just has issues that you could not possibly comprehend. Either give the mom or dad a knowing, supportive smile or just ignore and move on. Comments, glares and stares are unwelcome and uneducated! No, not everyone needs to know the diagnosis of your child - that should not be the defining factor in how you and your family are treated when a meltdown or some other episode occurs. We have made certain those who spend a significant amount of time with Molly know the diagnosis and suggested some reading for them. Sort of getting off track here, but Can I Tell you about Asperger's and All Cats Have Asperger's are two good places to start. My hope is that by reading this edition of our blog you can find some empathy for the parent attending to the meltdown or other inappropriate action at Costco or the grocery and you don't cast judgment. Thanks for reading!
The fact is that most people don't often show common courtesy regarding their body language in relation to situations of annoyance. If any of you have been to a local school board meeting, there is never a shortage of rolling of the eyes or the shaking of heads - all by board members sitting at the BIG table for all to see. This unfortunately is something we run into frequently. I am amazed and saddened by reactions of adults on a regular basis. I have been amazed in a positive way by people who are warm and seem to take it all in stride, thankfully most of my friends are like this and were way before the diagnosis. Pleasant surprises are always welcome, the disappointments are, well.......disappointing.
Unfortunately family is not exempt from showing their displeasure and unfortunately are also vocal. Diagnosis or not shouldn't you attempt to know a child, specifically a niece or nephew, grandchild or cousin? Knowing what motivates them, their interests and other aspects, also not being on the spectrum comes in very handy when monitoring facial features and body language to see how tone of voice affects a child. When you raise your voice and scream at a child and their face contorts with fear, that is not a good thing. My children are terrified by one of their Aunts and her disciplinary choice - screaming to get control. Another similar reaction from a family member at Christmas as the stimulation was high and excitement uncontrollable - a brother in law who would grimace and roll his eyes at Molly's behavior (also someone who suggested repeatedly that we "smack" the behavior out of her when she was younger). Don't get me wrong, not all family encounters are bad or full of drama. Sometimes we have no inappropriate behavior - or we do and a family member will pleasantly surprise us. I have another sister-in-law (a specific case of no diagnosis needed, just get to know the child!) who has always made an effort to get to know Molly and as such knows to lower her voice and talk with her about things she likes. She also knows, whether it is innate or researched, to focus particularly on her high interest areas.
It has become increasingly simple to narrow our group of friends to those who sincerely care and don't judge. We had an incident recently where Molly was interacting with a group of younger kids and didn't stop what was becoming inappropriate (children going into the upstairs rooms at a friends house). Unfortunately with most social situations Aspie kids have to learn after the fact how they should have handled a specific situation. This ultimately leaves inappropriately handled scenarios, sometimes very inappropriately. Social norms are placed on these kiddos and they are expected to act their age. Which, by the way is something you NEVER say to an Aspie! Molly took the fall for that one as she was the oldest and how do you explain? To most it sounds as though you are making excuses, so we offered the learning experience to Molly and had her write a note of apology.
What I would like you to take away from this entry is DON'T JUDGE ME! Don't judge me in the grocery store when my child is having a meltdown. Don't look at me like I am a terrible mom! Do the same for others too - if you see something going on don't give the look of disapproval - you have no idea what is going on with this situation or family. Maybe the child is not really a spoiled brat and just has issues that you could not possibly comprehend. Either give the mom or dad a knowing, supportive smile or just ignore and move on. Comments, glares and stares are unwelcome and uneducated! No, not everyone needs to know the diagnosis of your child - that should not be the defining factor in how you and your family are treated when a meltdown or some other episode occurs. We have made certain those who spend a significant amount of time with Molly know the diagnosis and suggested some reading for them. Sort of getting off track here, but Can I Tell you about Asperger's and All Cats Have Asperger's are two good places to start. My hope is that by reading this edition of our blog you can find some empathy for the parent attending to the meltdown or other inappropriate action at Costco or the grocery and you don't cast judgment. Thanks for reading!
Such a great reminder that we never know the whole story and shouldn't judge. Thanks for sharing!
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